General Rules of the Shaw Bros. Universe

[Guest Violento]

<!--EZCODE QUOTE START--><blockquote><strong><em>Quote:</em></strong><hr>he'll either be spending the entire night with delightful betties or alone me

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Meditating? I've never heard it called that before?

[Guest KidwiththeGoldenArm]

In Newton's Universe the % of proctectees that are tougher than their bodyguards is very small

In the Shaw Universe the % of protectees that are tougher than their bodyguards is 100.

[Guest Centorpedo]

Sorry if I'm resurrecting a dead post, here, but watching

The Proud Youth has

got me to thinking...

Why do members of the myriad evil clans

which populate Shaw Wuxia Universe refer to their

own clans as evil clans as well? You'd think they'd be

inclined to have a different perspective on themselves than the other, so-called good clan, which, theoretically, they

would in fact refer to as the evil clan, and um... vice versa...?

[Guest Markgway]

Why do members of the myriad evil clans which populate Shaw Wuxia Universe refer to their own clans as evil clans as well?

:lol

Hey, they're proud??

[Guest Iron Boat]

Why does a clan leader always have an entire army of skilled to novice fighters, yet the leader always ends up having to the job himself anyway. He even has to eventually fight the two guys who shows up at his hideout after they make easy work of all his men.

[Guest italdesign]

Sorry if I'm resurrecting a dead post, here, but watching

The Proud Youth has

got me to thinking...

Why do members of the myriad evil clans

which populate Shaw Wuxia Universe refer to their

own clans as evil clans as well? You'd think they'd be

inclined to have a different perspective on themselves than the other, so-called good clan, which, theoretically, they

would in fact refer to as the evil clan, and um... vice versa...?

Well, in Chinese it doesn't sound half as bad. The Evil Sect in most cases should be more accurately translated as Demonic Sect or Demon Sect. Often, the Demon sect is an unofficial name given to a powerful organization by other orthodox sects. For example, the Ming Sect in HEAVENLY SWORD DRAGON SABRE, who is trying to overthrow the Mongolian government, is labeled as Demon Sect by the 6 orthodox schools (Shaolin, Wutang, etc), and later a member of the Ming sect founded the Ming dynasty in China.

Also, it could just be bad subtitle translation.

[Guest agentzuk]

3 that you missed:

any walk in the countryside will be accompanied by DAMN CHIRPING BIRDS!

off key flute music will signify any character falling in love and/or hooking up

if you see the shaolin temple in any scene, eventually it will be burnt

you had me at "HOLD IT!" zuk out

[Guest SunChien2004]

Well I hope I don't mention something that was already mentioned, but here I go with a couple of my own:

-Every brothel has that same girl laughing in the background like she's watching BET Comic View (see Mad Monkey Kung Fu)

-Most, if not all Shaw Casinos have that same guy who seems to win in every movie, although never seen, always proclaiming "I won again!" (see Ten Tigers and Killer Army I think)

[Guest Delightful Forest]

Centorpedo ... not a dead post but a lost one found very much alive!

# When in a Shaw universe brothel there is a high probability that you'll be rudely interrupted while in the midst of engaging with a steaming hot betty.

# The brothel's top betty is never what she seems.

[Guest Delightful Forest]

The defeat of the seemingly invincible villian is usually accomplished in one of the following manner:

1. By trickery

2. Seduction by a betty

3. By an opponent/opponents combining two or more martial arts styles.

The villian supremo never dies a natural death.

[Guest italdesign]

I don't know if you guys have noticed, but when there is a large army or group of tough guys coming for someone, he ought to be scared. I mean he should at least PRETEND to be scared. But no, in the shaw brothers world, the guy won't even look at the guys who've come to kill him. He just continues doing whatever he's doing. Now, obviously that's gonna even more convince the tough guys that they've got the right person.

Case in point: in the first scene of ODE TO GALLANTRY, a bunch of guys come to kill a disguised baker. Everyone on the street is scared sh*tless, except for this baker guy who just keeps baking despite a group of men with big ass weapon shows up on his door. What a f*cking obvious give-away, obviously he knows kung fu (which a real baker normally wouldn't). He just lookin for trouble. And of course, the baker is slaughtered fairly effortlessly.

[Guest italdesign]

344) When our hero is escaping, and faints unconsciously, the camera will always blur out, but we can be sure he will be saved by someone.

345) Whenever a group of people greet a master, they automatically know what to say, and are never out of synch with each other.

346) Things that happen for a length of time usually favor either "3 days and 3 nights" or "7 x 7 = 49" days. It's never "3 days and 2 nights" or "7 x 8 = 56" days.

[Guest Tangowind]

347) At night, the moon is ever-present, be it full or half in all of Chor Yuen's period films!

[Guest italdesign]

When there is a group of one-on-one fights in parallel motion, the good side always follow a pattern. Either everyone on the good side is losing, or if one good guy kills a bad guy, every good guy will be on a roll to kill his opponent.

and here is a really big one: when a bunch of low level servants (e.g. nobodies) are ordered to attack our hero, even if they have just witnessed our hero easily defeating their colleagues, they will not hesitate to attack, even though it's obvious that they have zero chance of winning.

[Guest Delightful Forest]

In the wuxia world the most frequently chopped up insect is the fly. A respectable wuxia swordsligher should be able to slice a fly into no less than four portions with a quick draw and reshealthing of the sword.

[Guest peringaten]

Apologies if i've accidentally duplicated any...

351. If you're our hero and sent to prison you will invariably end up in the last cell, alone with a massively disheveled madman (all the other cells are rammed) who will proceed to beat you and deny you any dinner before deciding he likes your chutzpah and a. passes you on a secret technique or object or b. swears brotherhood.

352. Every single cave (usually accidentally fallen into) in the martial world contains either a crazed, thought-to-be-dead, meditating master 8 years-odd into a 10 year skill meditation...; or a thought-to-be lost martial technique's scrawlings on the wall - it's a wonder our heroes don't go caving regularly on the off-chance...

353. The only time our hero won't throw his drink recklessly all over his face and down his front is when unwittingly drinking poison, in which case he will drink politely.

354. Poison seemingly doesn't chemically react with porcelain cups - however if said poisoned cup is knocked from the hand it will bubble and burn against anything it touches akin to the most caustic acid.

355. All secret manuals invariably contain the really tasty techniques written on a piece of paper tucked into a sealed cover on the back page.

356. One master can never own both parts of a two part manual.

357. All twins WILL be split at birth, their parents slain, and raised as enemies.

358. If a technique seen developed in training is used to kill an enemy in the finale, it is LAW a flashback to said training technique will be shown - preferably in black and white.

359. Any excuse to take a shirt off.

360. Any excuse for matching outfits - go team!

361. No need to order in a teahouse - just say "bring me some dishes," management know what you want.

362. If you stumble across and try to help a strange dying man alone by a river, hut or in the forest he will pass you on a skill/object that will blight you for the rest of your days regardless of how much you refuse it. Best just leave 'em to die, hey?

363. It is quite easy to snap a sword blade with a two-fingered scissor grip.

364. If gambling, cheating is only allowed if you use the same two-fingered scissor grip to snap tiles or dice into two pieces and create a new, winning combination.

365. You will only see an egg if it's for comedic breaking purposes.

366. There are only 3 main group attacks. 1 - the take-it-in-turn. 2 - the altogether-now: with spears. 3 - the 'wuxia favourite,' just run around them in a circle - forever...

367. If you are our hero there are three places you can be stabbed. 1 - the abdomen (this is the death blow). 2 - the top-of-the chest, just near the shoulder (survived, but usually where you escape the fight). 3 - the side (the sneak attack by someone you thought an ally).

368. All dodgy bad guy gang members (usually bandits) like to stand slightly hunched with one foot on a raised platform when relaxin' and plotting.

369. Smoking is only cool if you smoke through a cigarette holder, or opium-pipe looking thing that doubles as a weapon.

370. If you are the emperor, disguised, out among the common folk, you will mostly only chance upon people whose main topic of conversation is dissing the emperor.

371. If you happen upon a restaurant full of dead people - chances are they ain't dead.

372. It's written into Ti Lung's contract that he, and only he, will have the most prominent 'plastic skin to hair join.'

373. So far as acting goes - the venoms, etc. are hideous drunks.

374. If you are sent by your master to visit another 'unseen to you' master - you will invariably fight him or his student on the way to meet him - without trading names.

375. All outdoor pavillions have 'slide-down' walls or bars.

376. Chan Shen has a 'i'll play a rapist' clause written into his contract.

377. If you need a strange character for a fantasy piece, call-up Fung Fung - that guy's face is a special effect in itself.

378. All musicians are kind righteous people, unless their instruments can double as weapons - in which case they're the evilest of the evil.

379. True heroes have no problem swearing life-long brotherhood within minutes of first meeting.

380. Seems you actually lose more blood through the mouth from a punch to the abdomen, than you do if your arm is cut off.

381. If you are introduced to a righteous hero's family through the course of a movie - they will die.

382. Training is solitary, hardcore and will usually involve an old man/rocks/a wooden spinny-thing or pillars/some sort of meal reward.

383. No one has ever sucessfully, fully learnt hard Qi-Gong - there is always a vulnerable spot 4-inches square in the abdomen.

384. Really old masters are: if good, unable to use their full abilities due to a training injury (usually due to an interupted 10 year meditation); or if bad - at the point where they've mastered 10th level evil killing fatal skill.

385. If student is injured by bad guy's 10th level evil killing fatal skill - all he needs is for someone to push on his back for a day or two and he'll be fine, however that someone WILL die.

386. If you lose your weapon in battle - imitating the weapon with your fingers and making a point of it will guarantee victory.

387. Fallen bodies, no matter how many, will never get in the way of the fighting.

388. You can learn the most complex physical acrobatic skills simply by wearing weights on your feet for a while.

389. All blood is really bright red.

390. All exteriorly-shot outdoor night scenes will be filmed on location during the DAY through filter covered lenses.

391. Never open a messenger-delivered envelope - chances are a poisoned dust cloud will pop out.

392. That young scholar who claims he doesn't know kung fu? Oh - he does.

393. Shaolin monks are actually quite violent. Except for the really old monks who'll happily sit and burn the moment someone invades their temple - can't you fight a bitter harder than that, you crazy old monks?

394. Shaolin ain't Shaolin without a few bad eggs.

395. You can flip someone about like a lunatic if they're in any way attached to length of rope or chain.

396. Did anyone mention the 'backwards wall jumping escape technique?'

397. Young beggars are usually rich girls in disguise. Old beggars are masters!

398. The Japanese are usually pretty ruthless.

399. EVERYONE gets double-crossed.

400. True heroes die standing.

401. You can never, ever, retire the martial world - there's always someone out there to hunt you down.

[Guest peringaten]

This thread's too good; wants itself a bumping - see if anyone else wants to give it some new life with any Shaw lessons learnt of late...

[Guest Trixie]

Hair rule: if you are winning the fight, hair is to be wrapped tightly around your neck almost to the point of hanging.

If you are loosing the fight, hair must be shoved in your mouth and bitten down on tightly to show the fight ain't over.

[Guest peringaten]

While I'm at it - feels like this thread shouldn't fall from the board - got to be one of this forum's longest at least; I always liked it... saved.

[Guest Ninja Sinai]

This has to be one of my alltime FAV threads and really deserves to be made a sticky.

Some of the rules really cracked me up!!

:lol :lol

[Guest Markgway]

Great stuff Peringaten.

[Guest Tosh]

:lol I was going to start a thread like this, I don't have time right now to read back through this at the moment, so my apologies if these have been said already -

A sword sheath must double as a sheild, and is also as strong as the sword itself.

Steel hitting wood still makes a clang sound.

The second in command of the clan is always the doublecrosser.

I'll think of some more here.

[Guest Steve Barr]

- Women could easily pass as men, because almost all women had moustaches.

[Guest stormybman]

The main villian will at times have another who has aligned himself with the chief, get his a@#! whipped, then go back to the hero and pretend he wants to now be friends so he can double cross the hero...

In Chang Cheh's films, after each character dies, there's a close up of the dead one's face, eyes fixed open...

ALL characters fight harder after a death blow has been issued: i.e. a fatal stabbing, guts being torn out, etc. the fighter then fights better than prior to the fatal injury...

at some point the dub " right..!" will be used at least 10 or more times, instead of embellished dialog...

Dispite his strength, and fighting prowess, it's in Lo Mang's contract to be killed early on to show how far the other's skills have to get to beat the baddies...

If there's a Tea House, a fight will ensue...

After a tea house fight involving the hero, he always surveys the damage and offers to pay...

Rapes, robberies, and killings, take place as if there's no law except the righteous swordsman/martial artist...

The baddies always jump around yelling, laughing, and whooping, and hollering, when they are about to rape/overtake a woman...

Nobody ever goes back to the battlefield of dead bodies to bury all the dead men, the film usually ends with the survivors walking away to a freeze frame...

The head villian will watch his lackeys get their a@#$*!!! whipped, before saying wait... instead of slipping away, when he can tell how good the hero/heroes are...

Whenever a body is left for dead, in a forest, near a river or in a desolate place, some nosybody comes along to help nurse the person back to health, whereas, a lot of times in the real world people will sometimes mind their business...

We never see the Master/student/relative/best friend, FAIL to avenge someone... i.e. Yoda in Episode III, Revenge of The Sith: " ...into exhile, i must go, failed i have!!!

:rollin :rollin

[Guest Lei Kung]

612) A wandering swordsman's clothes never soil. No amount of wind, leaping or acrobatics will ever remove ones hat.

613) Being an ordinary wandering swordsman doesn't require much skill, just a really badass getup, a matching sword, and a face of steel.

614) Virtuous swordmen need not rob anyone or work, they always have money, whereas evil swordsmen need to steal and kill to live extravagently.

615) Drinking never leaves a hangover.

617) If you're a homeless drunkard, drinking actually increases reaction time. This can mean the difference of life and death in a fight.

618) Rice cakes always steam and look tasty.

619) Combing your sideburns into your ponytail is a sign of seniority and superior kung fu.

620) No 2nd Ammendment rights have been violated.