General Rules of the Shaw Bros. Universe

[Guest Markgway]

Sammo's Pumpkins???

:rollin Bwahahahaha!!!

[Guest Centorpedo]

The Shaw equivalent to the Shakespearean aside:

121.) Furtive glances can be cast sideways, downwards, and/or upwards.

122.) Furtive glances are cast by either a.) villains in the midst of a diabolical double-cross, or b.) heroes and/or villains signalling to the audience that they are aware of an impending diabolical double-cross, or c.) heroes and villains signalling to the audience that they have not forgotten about secret weapons hidden in the vicinity towards which they are glancing, or d.) proud wu xia women letting their tough-as-nails exteriors slip under a heroes romantic gaze.

123.) Most importantly, furtive glances are never detected in the Shaw Bros. Universe, even if the heroes and villains have already established eye-contact or are looking at each other whilst said furtive glance is cast.

[Guest Delightful Forest]

Markgway, pleased to see that you enjoyed the take on Sammo!

On glances ... before fists and kicks engage in physical combat, the battle is first fought with vicious steely glances.

[Guest Delightful Forest]

In Shaw's wuxia/kung fu universe F=ma does not apply.

[Guest ironfistedmonk2003]

I've noticed that a single candle when lit can light up a whole building.

[Guest Markgway]

Heroes instinctively know the worth of their opponent - be it a disposible henchman or a tough boss figure - and how much energy + skill x stamina it will require to defeat them without breaking a sweat. Villains don't. That's why they underestimate their foe and lose royally. This is especially true of cocky underlings who have no idea the stranger in the white suit they've challenged is the star of the movie.

[Linn1]

no one seems to ever realize that a guy wearing white is death incarnate!! If this is all taking place in one universe, you'd think someone would tell the henchmen of the world!

[Guest Violento]

@ bubbabgone & Delightful Forest:

Listen, if You 2 are so excited about Sammo's... well... *pumpkins*, I strongly encourage You to watch "Millionaire's Express". You will surely get what You want.

[Guest KidwiththeGoldenArm]

Villains always have cooler uni's.

Lo Meng dies good, never get attached to his character, no matter how invincible he will seem at times.

When fighting Pai Mai, much time can be saved by punching him in the hair.

Don't worry about Gordon Liu or Alexander Fu Sheng, they will master what they must and fix everything.

Ti Lung and to a similar degree, Philip Kwok should be listened to, they know what's really going on.

Try not to get attached to Chiang Chen, no matter the ease and panache he shows in his early fights.

You age by greying at the temples first.

If Chang Cheh offers you the chance to be a "Baby Venom" turn down the work, there's no future in it.

Wang Li is another who cannot be trusted under any circumstances.

[Guest Violento]

Don't worry about Gordon Liu or Alexander Fu Sheng, they will master what they must and fix everything.

:rollin

[Guest italdesign]

dunno if this has been mentioned, but people are always able to leap away mysteriously when they want, even if they are injured, and no matter how many kung fu experts want to chase after them, they can never catch them.

[Guest Markgway]

If a hero gets run through with a sword he can still survive if tended to by a comely young maiden. If a henchman gets a simple slash it WILL kill him everytime.

[Guest ShaofuSage]

If you are a bad guy, whatever you do, never be the first, second, third, 23 person to attack a fatally wounded hero cause he's taking a lot of people with him.

[Guest italdesign]

Also, bad guys just don't have brain. They see hundreds of them already slaughtered by the hero, setting excellent examples of what happens if they choose the same path, but they don't learn the lesson. Instead they continue to attack enthusiastically, as if they have a chance!

[Guest ShaofuSage]

Villians must truly believe that everyone is fated to suffer at the end/afterlife/etc. through this consistent statement that they often blurt out to the hero prior to engaging in deadly battle: "Now I'm gonna send you straight to hell, HeHeHe!!" Why would they think that the hero is going to hell too? Your goin to hell, you damn villian >:

[Guest Delightful Forest]

Violento, thanks for recommending "Millionaire's Express". I have seen that some years back and I remember it to be a good movie ... time to revisit.

Wait a minute ... are you trying to set me and bubbabgone up with an encounter with Sammo's pumpkins? Are you trying to make villians to the power of villians out of us?? Let's get this clear ... I don't know about bubbabgone, but I am positively allergic to the following kinds of muffs for the following reasons:

pumpkins (particularly Sammo's!): shapelessly large and flabby

papaya: much too elongated

soursops: wrong flavour

durians: texture much too rough

coconuts: silicon implants do not feel right

Airport landing strip: way too flat

Now, this is what I do like:

B.B.Q dumplings or chicken dumplings with a delightful pink cherry on top. These have the right texture, flavour, and shape.

Well, Violento, if you are not looking forward to the prospects of tasting my Clan Of The White Lotus Fist (taught to me by the great Lo Lieh himself in a dream), you had better get down to the business of recommending me a pile of movies that feature lots of the muffs of my choice ... and, don't bother recommending Chinese restaurants for that is not what I mean!!!

@ bubbagone ... I hope you are not taking this sitting down ... that Violento deserves a serious ear bashing!!!

[bubbabgone]

I was gonna let it go. My observations about Sammo's pumpkins were strictly a product of my thoughtful analysis germaine to the subject of the thread.

In other words SAMMO'S PUMPKINS DO NOT APPEAL TO ME!

This thread has certainly taken an unexpected turn.

[Guest Delightful Forest]

#? Entrance to the Shaw Universe is through the doors of a Shaw cinema.

#? When in the Shaw Universe, hold your bladder ... you don't want to miss out on anything.

#? When in the Shaw Universe, laughter, giggles, groans, strange noises, whispers, exclamations, and weeping sounds are all permitted ... loud talking is not!

Centorpedo ... MIA?

[Guest Centorpedo]

Centorpedo ... MIA?

Delightful of you to voice concern over me, DF, but no need for alarm... just out on a wee break. Um... not literally a wee break... speaking of wee breaks, so what'd I miss?

Oh. OK. Here we go...

145.) In the Shaw Universe, Brave Archer is a combination of terms used NOT to describe courageous wielders of bows-n-arrows, (as you might be led to believe) but rather an endearingly goofy and overly mentored kung fu expert with seventeen sifus and a belly full of snakeblood. When you hear the words Brave Archer, you should really think Lucky Boxer.

146.) No one ever splits the check in the Shaw Universe. One boxer must pay for the entire meal. Sometimes the same guy gets stuck with the tab over and over. He never complains.

147.) Coinage must be either flicked to your server or into a vertical bamboo pipe. You do not need to aim. Your coins will automatically find the pipe's opening from whatever distance you throw them, a'la Larry Bird.

[KyFi]

At Shaolin Temple, actually practicing kung fu and sparring with opponents is one of the LEAST effective methods of learning kung fu. Although you CAN learn kung fu like that, you will become a much better fighter if you spend years doing other tasks instead: sweeping, cooking rice, stacking firewood, carrying buckets, etc.

[Guest Delightful Forest]

# When the curtain goes up and the lights goes down, and when scantily dressed Shaw betties grace the silver screen, it is fine if that thing dangling between your legs rears its head (ditch your date if she's not impressed), but it is not fine if you rear your head for that will surely piss off the folk sitting right behind you!

# When the curtain goes up and the lights goes down, a whole lot of hanky panky goes on, paricularly in the back seats.

[Guest Delightful Forest]

# When the hero is on the run with a baby strapped to his back, no matter how furious the fighting, the baby never wakes up!

[Guest Tangowind]

# A teleport always comes with that strange and annoying sound, something you'd expect to hear from computer (fighting) games

[Guest Centorpedo]

153.) David Chiang never ever finishes a cigarette. He does, however, break many cigarettes in half, normally after one (at the most) puffs. And yet, somehow, DC makes being a poser-smoker look effortlessly cool.

154.) David Chiang never ever even tries to find a trash can for his unsmoked cigarette butts, preferring to throw them down and to the left of him, with a sort of disgusted look on his face. And yet, somehow, DC makes being a litterbug look effortlessly cool.

155.) How does DC do it? How does DC look so cool? Why, effortlessly, of course... effortlessly.

[Guest Delightful Forest]

#157. In a duel between hero and villian, it is mandatory that there is a verbal exchange just before the start of the duel, several brief exchanges during the duel, and a final brief exchange at the concluding moments of the duel. These verbal exchanges are insults and threats and they can sound quite hilarious to the onlooker. Some of these insults and threats include, "You traitor, I will send you to the depths of hades", "My crane style will gobble up your snake", "Which ol' turd" taught you?", "You call your wimpy ol' @#%$ cat stuff the tiger claw?", "When I'm finished with you your mother will not recognise you" ... Sometimes, they will even take time out to comment on and admire each other's style and techniques before piling on more insults and damage.