General Rules of the Shaw Bros. Universe

[Guest Tangowind]

Delightful Forest:

Wuxia Hero ACCIDENTALLY trips over, face landing on breasts, while True Hero DELIBERATELY trips over, face landing on breasts.

Oh yeah? Show me some examples

By my count, I think we have reached the 89th rule already (providing no one will oppose to the previous posts )

[Guest Centorpedo]

I have Shaofusage's Shaolin Temple rule(s), at the top of this thread's page #3, as being rules #79 and #80, so by my count we're at 90:

90.) All heroes are born with an innate ability to sense when a dice game is "loaded," or fixed in the house's favor.

91.) All dice games are loaded.

92.) There is no game in China besides the ubiquitous LITTLE/BIG. And though statistics might say otherwise, there is a way for everyone who plays this game to lose to the house at once.

Only 8 more rules to reach the century mark. Don't panic. No need to force anything. Let Shaw be your guide. It'll whisper the way in your ear.

[Guest ShaofuSage]

When a friend/family member/lover of the hero is fatally wounded/killed, and the hero happens to get to their body quickly enough to hold the barely living individual in his arms, it is a necessity for the dying to shed upon the hero a few final words before passing on, which is usually followed by the hero screaming, crying, and then getting that real sick/diobolical look about his face.

[Guest Delightful Forest]

The hero's stamina is lengendary ... no matter how furious and long the fighting has been going on there is always a reserve of energy.

[Guest BleuVenom]

1. To be considered the ultimate villian in the martial arts world, one must have white hair, white brows, with or without a beard.

2. There are two things a young man needs in order to convince a beggar master to take him on as his student:

a. A huge jar of wine.

b. A whole roasted chicken.

3. In midfight, each fighter may take turns announcing what technique or animal skill they will be using.

4. When multiple heroes are in separate fights, they may take a rest and watch the others fight until it's their turn back in front of the camera.

5. A great hero is able to jump high into the air and flip, rotating no less than four times before landing in front of his fleeing enemy -- no matter how far in the distance he ran.

[Guest Delightful Forest]

The wuxia hero and main villian leap into the air one last time and a fury of exchanges ocurr in mid air. Both land on their feet, swords raised, with their backs facing the audience. The victor? The audience's bums now on the edge of seats wait. The main villian falls and dies facing a relieved audience ... sliced diagonally across and down from one side of the face to the other side of torso. The hero then turns around slowly and deliberately, reveals a fatal bodily wound, drops sword, collapses on ground, manages a few words with love interest, manages a final smile, dies with eyes wide open, face against love interest's breasts.

[Guest Centorpedo]

Well, we made it to a hundred rules, and I think in pretty good time, too. And in lieu of

Wuxia Hero ACCIDENTALLY trips over, face landing on breasts, while True Hero DELIBERATELY trips over, face landing on breasts.

and

manages a few words with love interest, manages a final smile, dies with eyes wide open, face against love interest's breasts.

I think this thread is headed in a pretty good direction...

Let me get in on the act:

101.) Whenever there shall appear actress's bared breasts on screen, there shall almost never appear actress's face in conjunction with said breasts (and vice versa).

102.) Breasts appearing representative of an actress shall never believably belong to that actress. In fact, audience should be able to clearly spot evidence to suggest these breasts to belong to one of the Shaw Bros.' "background furniture" girls, rather than to the starlets.

103.) In the instances when a "background furniture" girl (who has just appeared bare-breasted) is given lines to read, she will only play a prostitute or someone about to be killed, and she will turn out to be a horrible actress. In fact, the whole passage will appear visibly awkward to all involved on-screen. And you will never see said actress again in any other movie, and her parents will disown her in real life, and she will have to leave Shaw Brothers to become a stripper (I... uh... don't have any evidence to support this... it's just a gut... feeling).

(There are exceptions to rules 101-103: see Chen Ping)

And for the ladies:

104.) Shaw studs shall expose nipples-sometimes-but never ever allow their navels to be seen. Pants waists should always come up to about mid six-pack, to ensure belly button is firmly out-of-sight.

[Guest Delightful Forest]

Each time the unsuspecting hero accidentally touches the breasts of a female in male disguise, the hero inevitably gets slapped! Hmmm ... given the quality of the breasts in the Shaw Universe, they are surely worth a slap or two!!

[Guest ShaofuSage]

It's funny cause sometimes the accidental feeling of the breast occurs in the middle of a physical confrontation, at which point the slap ends any further conflict due to the great shock of the hero that he was actually fighting a woman :rollin

[Guest Centorpedo]

106.) Generally, if a (non-villainous) couple is about to lock lips, there shall always be an interruption, usually by an elderly character who brings news of a trivial matter, or by an oblivious employee of the household.

107.) After said interruption, the always-patient couple will look at each other and smile, demurely, as if to say "we should rip that servant's head off, but we're much too chivalrous and heroic."

108.) No matter how many times this happens, the servant in question shall never be fired. In fact, such continued hormonal sabotage is supposed to endear us to the servant, who usually happens to serve as comic relief, as well.

109.) Comic relief and hormonal sabotage is never endearing.

Think about it. You've just fought a thousand Tartars or Qing soldiers, you're with your lady, she's gorgeous, you haven't touched for the past 10 years 'cos you've been training in a cave, learning some esoteric animal martial arts style... and then some cross-eyed guy bursts in to tell you there's a letter from a rebel from Northern Shaolin? "Hey. Leave it on the desk outside, and give me thirty effin' minutes, here, Shek!!!!"

110.) Villainous couples (almost) never have their "romantic interludes" interrupted by annoying servants. That's why they're always so cool, calm, and collected. And that's why they're always laughing. And that's probably also why they always lose all those climactic battles... you know, that old "sapped-strength" rule. Still, it's a fair trade-off, IMO.

[Guest Tangowind]

I love your sense of humour, guys! Gotta use some of these rules, if not all, in my next movie reviews

[Guest Markgway]

"Hey. Leave it on the desk outside, and give me thirty effin' minutes, here, Shek!!!!"

Genius!! :rollin

[Guest Delightful Forest]

Centorpedo's Number 110: 'Villainous couple (almost) never have their "romantic interludes" interrupted by annoying servants.'

Mate, this is spot on! WHY??? Because if the villainous couple were interrupted while "at it" the culprit would surely be swimming in the thickest pile of @#%$ imaginable! You can bet your bottom dollar that the villains would not be looking at each other and smiling demurely ... they would be ripping the culprit's head off while screaming "We are neither chivalrous nor heroic! We are VILLAINS!".

[Guest Centorpedo]

Amen, DF, truly the Shaw villian is the human id unencumbered by propriety. And yet have you noticed that while some villains are swimming in it, some villains never get any action? When's the last time Wang Lung Wei had a betty in his clutches?

[Guest Delightful Forest]

Centorpedo, your statement "the Shaw villain is the human id unencumbered by propriety" is a truism about Shaw's villains ... where else but in the Shaw Universe!

Now, about Wang Lung Wei. Yes, the guy has been seriously deprived! The deprivation of betties makes Wang one angry villain ... resulting in brilliant villainous performances. With brutal each punch or kick you could almost hear him screaming "Come on Chang Cheh, and you too Liu Chia Liang, give me a break man! Where is my Betty? Just look at all the heroes ... all their accidental encounters with delightful breasts! I want some too. Okay, okay, I am not a hero, I am a villain ... but just look at those villains ... why is it that they get to help themselves to huge servings of breasts amidst the wine and song? What about me, man? What about me?".

[Guest Markgway]

Just think: maybe if poor Wang's namesake actually saw some muff he wouldn't feel the need to betray everyone???

[Guest Violento]

@Delightful Forest: LOL!!! :rollin

[Guest kenichiku]

When's the last time Wang Lung Wei had a betty in his clutches?

Well the last time may have been the first time Johnny Boy (along with Beardy) were both introduced to audiences in Chang's 'Shaolin Martial Arts'.

The usual suspects Chiang Tao & Feng Ko An as Manchu luietenants of course, were entertaining the two Wu-Tang prodigies in a brothel. The maidens that were taken into their respective bedrooms were freaked out by each of their 'Kung Fu' mackin' techniques, the kind that enables them to contract & retract their privates at will (the kind taught by the Pai Mei school), so I'd say Johnnie did get some play.

[Guest Centorpedo]

Thanks for the info, Kenichiku. I'll look forward to seeing Shaolin Martial Arts when it's released, and I'll raise a toast to Johnny when the moment... arrives.

Also, you're comment:

their 'Kung Fu' mackin' techniques, the kind that enables them to contract & retract their privates at will (the kind taught by the Pai Mei school)

brings us to our next rules:

111.) To learn the retractable privates technique is to reach the absolute zenith of the kung fu world. You better be scared of these guys. There's only a handful of them. Actually, I guess it'd be more accurate to say that there isn't a handful of them. :rollin

112.) Only villains master the retractable privates rule. Heroes keep them out of sight, out of mind (where they're supposed to be!).

113.) How and where the privates get to wherever it is they go when retracted is a scientific mystery best left to somebody else's imagination. Destroy the mental picture whenever it arises. I'm serious: it'll only drive you crazy.

114.) Villains with retractable privates will eventually be killed with a vicious blow to said retractable privates. This is one of the greatest ironies in the Shaw universe.

[Guest Delightful Forest]

Notably the most formidable villains are of two types: The type with retractable johnnies and the type with missing johnnies.

The latter type, the so called Eunuch is possessed of great military power and martial prowess, and is by far the more dangerous and superior villain. WHY??? Because they are the most angry and frustrated of them villains ... no johnnies definitely no betties!

[2tintoe]

I'm sure someone else must of wrote this, but I didn't catch it:

-If you have a beard, show that sucker off! Stroke it while thinking, laughing, fighting, doing algebraic equations, tying your shoes: Let all of the men deprived of facial hair in the martial world know it- you have a beard, and you are better than they are.

-You can not really call yourself a master villain unless you have an extremely weaselly or effeminate henchman.

-If you are trying to keep your villainy on the DL, have your aforementioned weaselly henchman sing your virtues to the heroes of the film. Despite how ridiculously over the top sleazy and conniving the weasel may be, he will know just what to say to dupe your heroes in to thinking that you're a stand up guy.

-If you are a villain, and you have a daughter- KILL HER ASAP. She will somehow lead to your downfall.

[bubbabgone]

Not one for the list, but a curiosity nonetheless.

Since we're on the subject of gender determination via accidental breast detection, how come no one has ever recoiled in confusion after accidentally touching Sammo's man-boobs? There are fat women in Kung Fu movies after all.

[KyFi]

"-If you have a beard, show that sucker off! Stroke it while thinking, laughing, fighting, doing algebraic equations, tying your shoes: Let all of the men deprived of facial hair in the martial world know it- you have a beard, and you are better than they are.

-You can not really call yourself a master villain unless you have an extremely weaselly or effeminate henchman."

Awesome!!

Oh, and Delightful Forest, I also give high marks to your "wine drinking rule"---yep, no need to bother with the cup, just go straight to the giant ceramic jar and pour it over your face.

[Guest kenichiku]

how come no one has ever recoiled in confusion after accidentally touching Sammo's man-boobs?

Yeah, that's really a Close Encounter of the Spooky Kid! Sammo's definitely the 'Meat Loaf' of Kung Fu movies.

[Guest Delightful Forest]

KyFi mate, thanks for the encouragement, and Violento, great to see that you enjoyed the take on Wang Lung Wei. 2tintoe's take on the villlain's daughter is spot on. In reply, I add "If you are a villain and you have a son, be prepared to avenge him ... somehow the villain's son always die before the villain does". And kenichiku, besides your indubitably vast knowledge of matters pertaining to Shaw you also have a great sense of humour ... your take on Sammo is delightful. With that, let's move on to address bubbabgone's curiosity ... hmm ... that's a tough one. Let's try this out ... Markgway's absolutely right ... "give Wang's namesake some muff & he wouldn't feel the need to betray everyone". But it's got to be the right kind of muff! Want to see Wang Lung Wei really angry mad? Give Wang an accidental encounter with Sammo's pumpkins and we'll see just how truly great a villain Wang is. So far no director has the balls to pull this one off yet!