Guest Centorpedo Posted March 26, 2005 Share Posted March 26, 2005 Inspired by Tangowind's "ridiculous moments" thread, and as a way for us to convalesce from the difficult psychological questions posed by the "what's up with Shawscopedotcom thread," I thought it'd be fun if we set up a brainstorm session to come up with a list of "rules and general laws of the Shaw universe." This applies to the behavior of characters, laws of physics, and general things that we take for granted will happen in Shaw movies. Rules such as: 1.) "women who disguise themselves as men will immediately be mistaken for men, no matter how much they still resemble women" 2.) "jumping will always be of a backwards and up nature." 3.) "Death by abdominal stabbing in fringe characters occurs in three distinct phases: character clutches pierced abdomen, character makes constipated face, character flops at apex of overacting parabola." etc. I'm wondering if with a little effort we might be able to reach a hundred rules. Your incentive? Well, if we do a really good job, this post might be featured on Shawscope.com one day. And that site gets, like, a gajillion hits, and lots of funding, and the guy that runs it pays you if he uses your writing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Delightful Forest Posted March 26, 2005 Share Posted March 26, 2005 Having sustained multiple grevious bodily wounds the wuxia hero dies with eyes wide open and standing majestically upright while still holding weapon in a raised arm after annihilating or holding off an army of formidable foes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest italdesign Posted March 26, 2005 Share Posted March 26, 2005 1.) "women who disguise themselves as men will immediately be mistaken for men, no matter how much they still resemble women" this one is definitely not unique to Shaw movies. I wish I could count how many times I've seen Polly Kuan show up as a guy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Delightful Forest Posted March 26, 2005 Share Posted March 26, 2005 The older the wuxia hero, the higher the skill level. Beware of grannies and grandpas! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Member KyFi Posted March 26, 2005 Member Share Posted March 26, 2005 1. Being hit by two or three arrows is really only a minor annoyance---the hero to be hit simultaneously by about 25 arrows to really be taken out. 2. The normal, run of the mill, blue-uniformed Qing soldier generally has fighting skills comparable to most 12 year-old girls. 3. Unless you actually spit up blood, you're not seriously hurt. 4. No matter how severely you're wounded in the stomach, taking off your shirt and tying it around the wound should easily allow you to keep fighting and kill another 30-45 villains before you die. 5. And, this has been posted before by someone else, but I'll mention it again because I do think it's the most important rule in the Shaw universe: never trust Wang Lung Wei! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Markgway Posted March 26, 2005 Share Posted March 26, 2005 I wish I could count how many times I've seen Polly Kuan show up as a guy. Tell me about it. I thought I was gay for years until I realised he was a she!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest razorclam Posted March 26, 2005 Share Posted March 26, 2005 When Jimmy Wang Yu is crippled it increases his chances for survival. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest kenichiku Posted March 26, 2005 Share Posted March 26, 2005 1. Palace servants and guards get to spend the whole day for no reason lined up standing in cadence like furniture. 2. Martial artists never skip a beat after losing a limb as they have extraordinary fast blood clotting abilities. 3. Indoor studio oceans, rivers lakes, and ponds are never over two feet deep standing water as witnessed everytime a disposable lackey is tossed in. 4. Unsecured studio set astro-turf loose at the seams. 5. A tree branch or twig is just as deadly and sharp as cold steel. 6. Every emperor/empress' subordinate is cast as a scheming weasel. 7. Ancient wuxia liquor and spirits always look like plain water. 8. Prominent actors killed off in one film are casually recycled in back to back film sequels. 9. Prominent stunt actors killed off in one scene are casually recycled in other scenes. 10. Except for ladies cast in Li Han Hsiang films, I can't imagine any (sober) john wanting to pay for some of those lesser brothel stock 'beauties' shown in KF films :b . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest kungfusamurai Posted March 26, 2005 Share Posted March 26, 2005 this one is definitely not unique to Shaw movies. I wish I could count how many times I've seen Polly Kuan show up as a guy. Heck, I think the only roles Brigitte Lin gets is playing a guy. KFS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest VonHumboldtFleischer Posted March 26, 2005 Share Posted March 26, 2005 At the teahouse, don't order anything too heavy. You will be ambushed. They might do it early, over tea, or leap out only when you've got your rice and dumplings, and they may well even lurk around undetected (except not, because you knew they were there all along) until you're picking your teeth, but they will come. Also, you will probably have to pay for the damage done to the teahouse with one of the bags of taels you seem able to pull out of nowhere. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Centorpedo Posted March 26, 2005 Share Posted March 26, 2005 23.) Clouds do not move. 24.) The sky is peeling. Especially in Cat Vs Rat, in the final fight scene. The sky is so close you can touch it, and if you are gonna touch it maybe you can remove whatever is causing it to bulge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest blktauna Posted March 26, 2005 Share Posted March 26, 2005 Don't F**k with the blind man... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Markgway Posted March 26, 2005 Share Posted March 26, 2005 Especially in Cat Vs Rat, in the final fight scene. The sky is so close you can touch it, and if you are gonna touch it maybe you can remove whatever is causing it to bulge. I agree. I didn't like the film, but if I did, that poor production design would've marred it considerably. At one point you could actually see the corners of the ceiling!! :eek Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Delightful Forest Posted March 27, 2005 Share Posted March 27, 2005 Be extremely cautious when in the company of scantily dressed seductive beautiful women ... they have a nasty habit with knives enroute to bedding a hero. Few heroes survive an encounter with a vixen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Markgway Posted March 27, 2005 Share Posted March 27, 2005 - A relative of the hero must die (preferably a dotting parent) - Beggars are always drunks and Kung Fu masters (but if they're that good why not teach and stop being a bum?) - Little boys who think they know kung fu are annoying as f**k and always end up crying when the bad guy shows his mug. - Even when faced with a hundred henchman, don't worry, you'll still win if you're top-billed. But may die if your director is a fatalist like Chang Cheh. -In a Wu Xia at some point someone will say *"Lung Fu Hua is... Lung Fu Hua" (*names can be changed to suit character) just to remind the actor who he's playing. - Doesn't matter how many times you visit a brothel, you'll never catch an STD (and the hooker the hero gets is always the best looking). -Dean Shek will pop up just to prove he's the most irritating c**t on the planet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest godzillakungfu Posted March 27, 2005 Share Posted March 27, 2005 If you are a good guy and pierced through and through you can continue fighting. Immedeatly fight the lackeys because they die by being scratched. All little boy heroes look 25+. No matter how many years the bad guy trained in a short amount of time you can defeat him. Double bladed swords can be stopped with two fingers. Most bald guys will stop and rub their head at some point before they fight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ShaofuSage Posted March 27, 2005 Share Posted March 27, 2005 When the hero is fighting against a random bad guy and is being surrounded by many lesser skilled bad guys, those kung fu weaklings must constantly change poses and shadowbox instead of being in a stationary position. Occassionally, their background silliness may even take away from the main kung fu encounter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Centorpedo Posted March 27, 2005 Share Posted March 27, 2005 40.) enemies attacking hero shall run into frame with only their backs exposed, so that when hero slashes at them, they can turn and display their chests, where wounds that are already in a progressive state of hemorrhaging should be proudly displayed. 41.) If you are an animal in a Shaw movie which is named after your species, chances are you will not survive to make it to the wrap party (i.e. Killer Snakes & Mad Monkey Kung Fu). 42.) Once your adventure has come to an end, someone will say something mildly amusing, make a funny face, or do some sort of funny business which will cause you and whoever has survived the adventure to leap into the air. Once you are in the air, there will be a freeze frame. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest mpm74 Posted March 27, 2005 Share Posted March 27, 2005 When Jimmy Wang Yu is crippled it increases his chances for survival. LMAO! Another rule: Five O' Clock Shadow beards stay and look the same even days after... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Centorpedo Posted March 27, 2005 Share Posted March 27, 2005 How could I forget... 44.) If someone throws a flying guillotine your way, chances are they're aiming at where you're about to run to. Once you get there, you're dead. 45.) Should you decide not to run to wherever it is that that someone who threw the flying guillotine was aiming, chances are that that someone knew that that's what you were going to do, and instead was aiming right where you are standing. So you're still dead. 46.) However, if you are Chen Kuan Tai or Ti Lung, none of the above applies to you. You, unlike all others, cannot be harmed by flying guillotines. Because you have mastered the art of ducking. 47.) If you are anyone besides Chen Kuan Tai or Ti Lung, once you're head is ripped from your body, feel free to twitch a bit before you die, just to add to the dramatic effect, so that the nice people watching get the gist... you're seriously dead. 48.) There might even be one final "point-of-view shot" to accompany your death, in which your arms will flail about wildly: This phantom p.o.v. shot, which makes no sense if you really take a moment to consider it, is perfectly normal. True, your head is no longer on your body, which means there's nothing to view this p.o.v. shot with... but don't panic. It's a metaphorical sort of p.o.v. shot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Delightful Forest Posted March 27, 2005 Share Posted March 27, 2005 The wuxia hero's best friend is also his most dangerous and formidable enemy. Trust no one! What a world!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Tangowind Posted March 27, 2005 Share Posted March 27, 2005 Inspired by Tangowind's "ridiculous moments" thread Thanks for giving me some sort of credit, Centorpedo This thread is awesome, though I must watch a few more Shaw movies to come up with based-on-my-observation rules. And I vaguely remember to have read a similar English joke sometime ago, also about so-called general rules in old-school kungfu's OK, does this one count as a rule? There must be some heavy fog effect in every Chor Yuen's wuxia/swordplay film... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Delightful Forest Posted March 27, 2005 Share Posted March 27, 2005 When a lone mystery stranger walks into an inn full of tough looking, heavily armed, rowdy, and unruly men indulging in wine, women, and song, you could hear a pin drop when the stranger heads for an empty table, sits down, places sword on table, and removes hat/sun shade. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Member bubbabgone Posted March 27, 2005 Member Share Posted March 27, 2005 If you have the misfortune to have a sword blade broken off in your body you can line up the shot and smack the broken sword blade so hard you'll have a through-and-through injury on you but the villain will get hit and die in seconds. Chopsticks are like steel projectiles in the hands of the right person. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Violento Posted March 27, 2005 Share Posted March 27, 2005 - when there's some rivalry/war in the martial world, don't drink anything - it's almost always poison. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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