Guest rudolph Posted April 24, 2003 Share Posted April 24, 2003 I like monkeys... I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for 5¢ a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing. I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour. Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys. I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys. I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed. I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad. I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving. I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones. I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals. I like monkeys - unknown Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest zwolf1 Posted April 28, 2003 Share Posted April 28, 2003 ... I almost think I've seen this movie! But it turned out that I was just confusing it with a Jean-Claude Van Damme flick. They all have plots kinda similar to this... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DrunkMantis Posted May 16, 2003 Share Posted May 16, 2003 Damn. :rollin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest peringaten Posted January 28, 2006 Share Posted January 28, 2006 Did you know that if you put an infinite number of monkeys in a room with an infinite number of typewriters they would eventually write the complete works of shakespeare? ------------------------------------------------------------ Did you also know that if you put an infinite number of Shakespeares in a room with an infinite number of typewriters they would eventually write like a monkey? ------------------------------------------------------------ But if you left the typewriters there on their own, would they eventually formulate a new civilization based entirely on a holy monkey that quotes shakespeare? ------------------------------------------------------------ Or... a holy Shakespeare that quotes monkeys? Either way, it's a win/win situation - Where do i get my green card? ------------------------------------------------------------ Get me a typewriter and i'll sort it out for you... ------------------------------------------------------------ Actually, how about if i take the traditional citizenship through marriage route? Should i begin seducing typewriters? Or indeed court a monkey? Perhaps bait an infinite shakespeare into matrimony with the offer of a quick rub? ------------------------------------------------------------ i hear they're cracking down on that these days - you've got to produce comprehensive evidence of your aptitute and dedication to the cause of a world entirely populated by Bard-quoting basic computational devices and highly advanced primates. thing is, if you happen to have an infinite number of yourself kicking around then that might be the perfect back door..... ------------------------------------------------------------ Damn it, i might be able to arrange some sort of vague doppelganger... Hold on - perhaps i could pass myself off under the advanced primate category... Yes, it might just work... Is this a darwinist state we're talking about, or a fundamentally religious bureaucracy? ------------------------------------------------------------ i reckon it's intelligent design all the way. it's one of those places that sounds like an egalitarian, scientific utopia on the surface but it's actually populated entirely by religious nutballs ------------------------------------------------------------ Hmmm, actually thinking about it now... "did you know that if you put an infinite number of monkeys in a room with an infinite number of typewriters they would eventually write the complete works of shakespeare?" By this respect, does this also mean that by the law of averages they would also produce the entire back issue catalogue of Heat magazine AND Mein Kampf?... Damn those Nazi, illiterate celebrity gossip monkeys. ------------------------------------------------------------ Actually in turn it's possible they could produce Mao's little red book. Mein Kampf and said communist manifesto? These flakey monkeys need to sort out their political and moral agendas - what are these monkeys - hard left or hard right? Stop sitting on the fence! ------------------------------------------------------------ Oh well... might give it a miss. It doesn't sound so great after all. Anyhow, one last thing - am i justified in my actions if i still wish to court a monkey? ------------------------------------------------------------ i would go right ahead if i were you - the end justifies the means.... ------------------------------------------------------------ Cool - fancy a date then...? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.